Believing in My Book, My Message, and Myself

In spite of all the struggles and mental barriers that I had to overcome to qualify for Boston, I never gave up. Even when others told me that maybe the marathon wasn't my thing, I still kept trying. I held this same attitude about my book.

As I was finishing my book last winter, I did quite a bit of research on how to get it published. I decided that I would first send it to agents and publishers and try to get a publishing contract. This would mean handing them the manuscript and letting them format it, design the book cover, edit it, and market it, leaving me with a very small percentage of the royalties. It was the most traditional route and I thought it would result in maximum exposure for my book. However, I knew that agents and publishers received thousands of book submissions each month and could only accept a small number of them, so I was prepared for rejection.

I sent my book pitch to about 25 agents and 3 publishers. Of all of these, there was one particular agent and one particular publisher who I thought were really great fits for the book. I decided to wait until I had received feedback from the other agents and publishers before sending to these last two, so that I could incorporate any feedback I received. I wanted to make sure I was putting my best possible foot forward when I reached out to these two organizations.

It wasn't long before the publisher and the agent replied back with rejection letters. The publisher was rather vague, saying that the book did not fit into their lineup. The agent, however, sent me a very detailed response. The agent had run the Boston marathon herself (which is why I thought she would be a great fit) and based on her feedback, I realized that if I wanted the book to be published, I would have to do it myself.

So I published the book myself, not really knowing what to expect. After all, what was the worst that could happen? Well, maybe nobody would buy the book and I would lose the money I spent on getting the book cover designed. Oh well, at least I could say I published a book! And the best case scenario would be that people would buy the book and they would find it helpful in their own journey. I had no idea if the book was objectively good since the only people who reviewed it were friends and family. But as I said, what did I have to lose? The book was already written.

So I put it out there on May 15th.  And the feedback I've gotten from readers totally goes against the feedback I received from the agent.

"I'm afraid this is not something I could successfully represent. I think pretty much any even mildly competitive runner is aware of the negative role that over-stressing can play in their racing. So I'm not sure there's enough of a take-away in your personal story."

Many readers have expressed that they "took away" a great deal from this book:

"When an acquiring editor is evaluating a project s/he looks to see what the story/message boils down to and whether s/he feels this will sustain the reader's interest for 300 pages. . .  a project really needs to have a stand out hook and be something that just keeps the reader glued in their seat because they can't stop turning the pages."

I agreed with the agent on this point-- I did not think Boston Bound was a "page turner."  I did not expect readers to be glued in their seats. After all, self-help books are not supposed to be page-turners-- people read them because they want to get something out of it. Much to my surprise, countless readers have said that they could not put the book down.

"As more and more people get into running, there are more and more running book projects circulating and editors have become incredibly picky. They are all looking for the next "Born to Run". Elite runners can usually get a deal. But nothing much else impresses them."

This made no sense to me. If there are already so many books out there about running, written by elite athletes, wouldn't a book written by a non-elite be a refreshing change? Can everyday runners and readers relate to olympic athletes? I think that part of what makes a book good is the ability for the reader to relate to the main character or narrator.

I've also received numerous messages on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and even LinkedIn from readers telling me that the book helped them, they couldn't put it down, and/or that they found it relatable because it wasn't written by an elite runner.

Lesson learned, if you truly believe in something, make it happen. I honestly wasn't sure if the book would be a success or not, but I figured I had nothing to lose.

Book sales have already exceeded what I ever thought possible, and it seems to have a life of its own. Initially, it was up to me alone to get the word out. But now it seems like people are hearing about the book from all sorts of channels! I will likely blog more about the book in the future and my "journey" in getting it on the best-seller's list for the "Running and Jogging" category!

Lessons

I've spent the past week and a half trying to recover from the marathon, both mentally and physically. But more so mentally.

I'll start with the physical-- that's easier. My hip felt a bit sore going into the marathon. It started about a week prior to the race, and I'm not sure why because my mileage was super low from the taper. The marathon didn't seem to make it any worse. In fact, the hip wasn't even an issue at all during the marathon because my entire body just felt so horrible. 

For the most part, my legs recovered pretty quickly. I kept all my workouts in the pool until Thursday, when I did an easy 4-miler. My next run was an 8-miler on Sunday and that's all the running I've done post-marathon. I could feel my hip during the 8-miler but it wasn't bad-- just nagging. I saw Dr. Maggs (an ART provider) on Monday and he told me that I should focus on resting my hip. Even though it wasn't a big problem now, it could become a lot worse. 

My coach agreed. I had been planning on running the Nike Women's half marathon as a training run this weekend, but my coach thinks that's an "awful idea". I've been looking forward to running this race since March, just as a fun run, and now my coach is advising against it and my doctor isn't thrilled with the idea either. If my hip were really hurting me, it would be much easier for me to just abandon the race. But since it's just a small amount of soreness, it's very difficult for me to not still want to do it. I don't even have an official diagnosis, but it's probably something like bursitis. It' doesn't hurt in one particular area, though, it's like the entire hip area. 

As for the mental recovery, I'm trying to rid myself of the idea that my marathon PR is the ultimate indicator of how good a runner I am. My marathon PR does not define me as a runner or a person. It's just a number. I really hate it when I meet someone new and I tell them I run marathons and then they ask me what my best time is. It's like they want to know how fast I am and my marathon PR is how they are going to judge me-- without knowing anything about my training or other races. 

I know that I shouldn't care about what other people think. Especially strangers I just met. But I think my marathon PR from 2008 is a misrepresentation of who I am as a runner, so I hate that question. I've come so far since March of 2008 as a runner and yet I still answer the "what's your fastest time" question the exact same way.

It also annoys me when I hear about people who don't run much, and decide they want to run a marathon with the goal of qualifying for Boston. They run all their training runs at their qualifying pace. They go into the marathon, qualify for Boston and then move on to something else. And then there's someone like me, who should have been able to BQ over 2 years ago, who has read books about marathons, has a coach, wears a heart rate monitor, wins age group awards at all other distances, does everything "right" but then just can't pull it all together on marathon day. It doesn't seem fair, but as we all know, life is not fair.

I know this is happening to me because I'm supposed to be learning something that is a  lot larger than running. I need to work on being less anxious. I need to not be as perfectionistic. I have to be ok with the fact that many things are not within my control. I need to stop using numbers to validate my success. I need to be less uptight. These are all areas that I have tried to address in the past and I've made significant progress on. But apparently, I still have a ways to go. These are the areas that I need to focus on-- not my training or my marathon times. 

Not focusing on a particular marathon time is exactly what I tried to do with Milwaukee. I actually didn't have a goal time, but rather a large range where I expected I would fall. I had a strategy about how I would run the race and I was confident that my time would be good based on my fitness level.

But now I'm in a spot where I've been told to keep all of my workouts in the pool until my hip feels better and I just feel like all my hard work from over the summer is going down the drain. I won't even have access to a pool for an entire week when I am in San Francisco.

I think I just need to remove myself from being so immersed in running and so I apologize in advance for my lack of comments on the blogs I regularly comment on.

I don't feel burnt out. I love running and I have never dreaded going into a run. If I could go run 10 miles right now that would make me very happy! Even on days when my runs don't go well, I still enjoy them. Heck-- I even enjoyed Milwaukee. It was a miserable experience, yes, but I enjoyed that I was there and that I was taking part in the event. Running is "fun" for me, but I don't run for the sole purpose of fun. If "fun" was all I was after I would find something else to spend my time on. I enjoy the challenge. I love the personal fulfillment I get out of each run. I love setting goals for myself and attaining them. Whether the goal is to run an easy 5 miles or to pass as many people as possible in the last mile of a race.

While I'm far from burnt out, I'm definitely discouraged. I worked really hard all summer and now that the weather is finally nice, I am stuck in the pool with no marathon glory and no idea how the rest of the racing season will play out.

Injured

I am injured.

One week ago, I felt like part of my running shoe was rubbing against the outside of my right foot. It didn't hurt, but it did feel awkward. I forgot about it completely until later that evening when I went down a flight of stairs in flip flops. The same part of my foot started to hurt.

The next day, I went out for a 10 mile run, including speedwork. I wore a different pair of running shoes (a pair that has more cushion and bounce) and I couldn't feel the twinge in my foot at all. I successfully completed the speedwork, and I averaged a 7:35 pace for 39 minutes. I was so excited about this because it was humid and in the upper 60's, which meant I would be even faster in better conditions. After the run, when I took my shoes off, I felt my foot walking around my house. It wasn't painful, but I definitely felt something as I was walking around. I called my physical therapist, who is typically booked up at least one week in advance, and she was able to get me in the next day-- Wednesday.

Meanwhile, I had been experiencing some tightness in my left medial calf, so I decided to get a sports massage on Tuesday night. This was the most painful massage I had ever experienced! She spent 20 minutes on just my calf and said there was a huge knot there. When I went to see my physical therapist the next morning, she was much more concerned with my calf than my foot. She said that there was some mild Peroneal Tendonitis, but that my calf was in bad shape. It was swollen and bruised from the massage and she said that it had probably been just a few days away from tearing. She told me not to run again until my calf felt better.

I took Wednesday and Thursday off as rest days and my calf felt better on Friday morning. Meanwhile, my foot was barely an issue. I decided to run six easy miles on the treadmill. At mile 3.5, I suddenly felt a pain on the outside of my foot. It was much worse than it had been last time. I kept running in the hopes that it would go away, but it didn't, so I stopped after five miles instead of the planned six. I limped my way off of the treadmill, and my foot has been hurting ever since.

I called my coach and she told me how to take care of it. She recommended ice massage, stretching, and foam rolling the Peroneal tendons. I even found a web site that showed me how to stabilize the ankle with taping to prevent lateral motion that would irritate the area. My coach said this was a minor setback--not an injury-- and she thought that I would be able to do my last long run (20 miles) the following weekend. She also thought I would be able to do some light running on Sunday, but given the fact that I was still limping, I didn't attempt to run.

So now it's Monday and it still hurts to walk on my foot. I've been swimming and using the elliptical machine (neither seem to irritate it) but that is no substitution for running. I just want to maintain what I have. At this point, I am not looking to gain more fitness. I just don't want the past 8 weeks of hard training to come undone. I can't predict when it will get better-- all I can do is keep resting my foot and taking care of it. I'll go back to my PT on Friday.

I cried a lot on Saturday. It hurt to walk on my foot, so every step was a reminder that I was injured. I couldn't put it out of my head. My boyfriend actually carried me a few blocks in D.C. on our way to dinner because it hurt with every step, and I could only walk slowly. Maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe I am not meant to qualify for Boston. I always come so close, and then something comes along at the last minute to ruin it. A year ago, I was in the home stretch for the Hartford marathon but I caught a virus and was sick for five weeks. I couldn't run a fall marathon so I attempted Arizona in January. There was an unexpected heat wave, so I bonked at mile 14-- not having been acclimated to the heat. Then, at the New Jersey marathon in April, I was on target for a sub-3:40 based on my recent half marathon. But it was cold and pouring rain, so I ended up in the medical tent with hypothermia. It never works for me, and it's always a matter of bad luck. I do everything in my power to train smart but the "stars" haven't aligned for me. I have been working toward this BQ goal for over a year, and something always gets in my way.

My boyfriend Greg says that if there weren't obstacles then it wouldn't be worth attaining. That's what makes it all the sweeter-- having to overcome obstacles and fight for it. I agree with this but I also feel like I have faced more than my fair share of obstacles. And I see so many people train for one season, run the marathon and get the time they deserve. Heck, I used to do that. My first six marathons were all PRs. And then the injury/illness/weather demons started to show their faces at every marathon.

As of now, I don't really have a "plan of action". I just have to wait. And wait. And wait. I have no idea when my foot will feel better, but I am not going to run on it until I can walk on it. And even then, it will be very easy running. My patellar tendonitis that I had in the spring of 2008 took three months to completely recover from. My biggest fear is that I will have to wait three months to resume normal training, and I will have lost everything I have worked so hard for.